Assholes are always confronted with the dilemma of who to pick on -- but discriminating assholes already know the answer: True entertainment lies in making fun of people who don't want to be made fun of. Being an asshole is much more fun when the intended target is serious and self-righteous. No matter how proper and important someone is, you can still make up anything you want about them for your Web page.
As the originators of the holier-than-thou attitude, followers of organized religions are especially sensitive. Since they're the guardians of propriety, they're especially vulnerable to the scandalous and improbable stories that can crop up on an asshole's Web page. Here's an example:
"A Tennessee politician bought a Baptist church and converted it into an adult bookstore to sell pornography. He named the store 'True Confessions' -- and the Rev. Herbert T. Brown, church pastor, declined to comment on the sale." Ha ha ha! Oh, that ought to make them squirm....
Oh wait, I'm sorry -- that's actually a true story from a newspaper in Tennessee. My bad.
But the point is that whether it's a half-truth or a whole truth, a Web page can make you stop and re-examine your values. Keep that in mind when you're visiting the Web page for Landover Baptist Church, reading their stories warning about the crises facing archconservative parents: "10 Year Old Sissy Caught Playing With Dolls!" "Rev. Ebeneezer Smith Comments on Homosexual Telka Tubbies."
Yes, this one's a parody, dumbshit. And this highlights an important principle. Many assholes prefer fucking with people's head with a purpose. When a homophobic bigot published his rantings on a Web site proclaiming (in its domain name even) that "God Hates Fags," another page offered an even fiercer thesis -- that God Hates Figs. It's a humor site that's irreverent -- er, literally -- with section titles like "Jesus stole my lunchbox!" and a warning that "you agree to pay a royalty of 50 cents every time you use the word 'God' from now on. By viewing this screen, you have already agreed to these terms."
By now everyone's online -- including groups that don't get along. And on the Web pages made by assholes, people can come to watch them mix it up. We ought to know. Religion for Assholes (a previous installment) provoked a torrent of response.
But how many assholes can dance on the head of a pin? Various creeds have scrimmaged for centuries, so it should be no surprise that on some parts of the Internet, instead of shirts vs. skins, it's Pagans vs. Christians. There's "The Secular Web" at infidels.org, the Atheist Freethought Society at No-God.org, and atheists at -- of course -- atheists.org.
|There's also the Pagan Journalists Web Ring, and the Pagan Best of the Web. If you are religious, then think of this as a handy catalog of who's going to hell. (Take notes! You can be Heaven's hall monitor...)|
If you travel this road long enough, you'll find openly secular Netizens offering their own alternative take on Christianity.
"During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I was riding the pogostick."
Sure, you've heard the phrase "Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick" before - but it took the Web to visualize it. And that's not nearly as sacrilegious as a Web page describing Spearfishing for Nuns. Obviously, some of these parodies have different levels of quality. I mean, how long you can listen to "Spank Me Jesus" before cringing, giggling, or feeling soul-crushingly bored?
|You can learn a lot about religion from the Web. For instance, some nuns have superpowers. I'm talking, of course, about the Flying Nun, who could leap tall buildings in a single bound. (Though I don't remember if she had X-ray vision…) The magic of the Internet even let's us see the spooky guy in the afro who heads the Flying Nun fan club. (Bet that looks great on a resume.) This nun's gonna rock all night!|
If you prefer a real nun to an actress, you can always hire this Nebraska sister for your corporation's next speaking engagement. She usually speaks for less than $5,000 -- plus expenses. (Purchase the Fun Nun's audio tapes on interpersonal relationships and muscle-relaxation techniques!)
Are you looking for salvation -- or just anxious to kill some time? Either way, why hunt endlessly for Waldo when you could be playing "Where's Jesus?" Find Christ at the World Wrestling Rumble-Fest. If that's too much work, Peter Gilstrap has assembled 168 images of Jesus himself that have already crashed their way into popular culture. Hanging car deodorizers, pizza-delivery ads - all bear some likeness of the beloved Messiah.
And if that's not enough, Stay Free! Magazine published a startling list of real-world Jesus sightings.
The bottom line is that making fun of Christians online is funny. Don't miss Satan's special cameo with Archie, Betty, Veronica and the gang at Riverdale high. In a world with a Christian Guide to Small Arms and the Christian Deer Hunters Association, is it any wonder that organized Christianity becomes the ultimate target? Yahoo! even created a special category for Jesus humor, and the assholes at crucify.com now allow visitors to "Ask Jesus". ("Have yourself a one-on-one with the only psychic certified by the Catholic Church! The first hour is free!") They apologize, of course, for the site's slow response time -- but "Jesus needs RAM."
Jean Paul Sartre believed that hell is other people. If that's true, then the after-life will just be a variation of the Web -- with all the souls gathered together in an endless broadband of eternity. In fact, waiting somewhere on a perpetual download, you may wonder if we're there already -- locked in an endless purgatory, consuming a never-ending stream of bad graphics, broken links, and pages of lifeless HTML.
Maybe hell is other people's Web pages.
Voting Fraud for Assholes
Spamming for Assholes
Disposable Identities for Assholes
Anonymity for Assholes
Stalking for Assholes
Religion for Assholes
Death for Assholes
eBay for Assholes
Portals and Personal Ads for Assholes
Newsgroups for Assholes
Lou Cabron is GettingIt's resident asshole.Internet for Assholes runs each Wednesday on GettingIt.