One Small Stroke For Man
One giant leap for porn
Published October 26, 1999 in Crave

Porn is always the first to test the limits of any new technology. But if your idea of frontier technoporn is jerking off to jerky images, you're getting ripped off. The most incredible innovation in the jizz biz can be found on newly released DVDs.

See also...
... by Chris Gore
... in the Crave section
... from October 26, 1999

I'm not talking about the "multiple angles" feature seen on many adult DVD titles. This feature allows you to switch to another angle during a sex scene, but in practice it's lame. The "other angle" is not one I would choose; many times it doesn't even match the previous angle, causing one to break stride -- er, stroke.

The innovation I'm talking about is commentary. Commentary tracks allow anyone watching a DVD to do away with the standard movie soundtrack and switch to a second audio track offering inside analysis of the on-screen action. Until recently this feature has been relegated to legit Hollywood films -- boring us with longwinded diatribes from pretentious filmmakers and actors. But in adult films, this is something totally new. And damn is it hot.

Jerking off to a skin flick with a commentary track by a porn star is unlike anything I have ever experienced in all my years of viewing adult cinema. Think about it: Sporting events are made so much more exciting by the enthusiasm and the pure emotion of passionate announcers. Just try watching a game without one. A great sports announcer will have you on the edge of your seat.

Most porn films feature bad music with looped sound and fake moaning that barely matches the action on screen. With commentary, it's as if a hot babe is sitting next to you enjoying the experience and offering her innermost thoughts. The commentary from DMJ6 (The Devil in Miss Jones part 6, VCA Interactive), for example, comes courtesy of starlets Stacy Valentine and Tina Tyler. It's like hearing the private women's locker room talk men dream about. For those without a DVD player, here's a taste:

"Her pussy is so pretty. Very symmetrical. I like her boobs too. And I like how he splits her like that so you can see everything."

"If I was in that scene, I'd go right where that finger is."

"I just love to see a guy's balls hang. There's something sexy about that. And his balls are so big you can feel them on your asshole when he's doin' ya. Mmmmm… that SLAP, SLAP, SLAP on your butt."

"Oh, this is rarely seen, a double pussy penetration. This is something I've always wanted to do, but never for the first time on camera."

"Is he going to land it on her other tit or in the middle? Ooops, both!"

Imagine a sporting event without the benefit of an announcer passionate about the game. You can't. And personally, I can't imagine watching another porn film, not without blow-by-blow commentary by a couple of hot adult film stars.

Chris Gore is the publisher of Film Threat and can be seen on The X Show on the FX Network.