Heaven for me is a place where I can secretly spy on beautiful girls playing with their beavers. I instantly build a bodacious boner whenever I imagine females masturbating. Their slim, diddling fingers, their melancholy moans, their sobbing squeals, their hungry, thrusting pelvi.

What do I actually know about women's wanking habits?

Not enough!

To educate myself, I posted an email petition to numerous lusty gal-pals, begging them to share with me the secrets of their solitary snatch-games. Myriad muff-mauling techniques arrived.

My favorite "dirty dozen" are:

Fishing for pussy. "I smear canned tuna on my lips and clit for my Siamese cat to lick off with his agile tongue. We purr together for a while, but eventually, I do the yowling."

Liquid gush. "Late at night, I slink over to our apartment's jacuzzi in a thin bikini. I straddle the powerful stream of water and let the spray blast my cunt. It's like awesome, clean cunnilingus."

Philosophical frigging. "I read Heidegger, or Kierkegaard, until my brain's totally crazy with dry ontological theories. I finger-fuck myself then, as I contemplate impenetrable sentences that are horrendously convoluted."

Squeezing the stallion. "I take my horse out on a long, gasping gallop. I wear stretch pants, no panties. My clit slides across the leather and bumps against the horn. I have to rein in my animal when I climax, or I'll collapse right out of the saddle."

I like Mike. "I slip a Michael Jordan highlight reel into my VCR, and a black dildo into my 'hoop.' I like his sweaty shoulder muscles, and the way his tongue hangs out of his mouth. I imagine him fucking me in the locker room at halftime."

Nature nookie. "I enjoy being alone in the woods, like a Wiccan, surrounded by flowers and trees. I take off my clothes and lay on my back, looking at the birds and the clouds. I smell the wind, I pretend that I'm wild, and I take my time."

Bondage with Betty. "When I'm feeling 'bi' and submissive, I strap my ankles together with a patent-leather belt, paddle my butt with a wooden spoon, and drool over my Betty Page photos. I imagine her whipping me. I also like looking at women wearing Nazi uniforms."

Toys 'n' me. "I have a 'magic wand' and a 'sex saddle' that I use when I really want to go crazy. The sex saddle is a dildo that pops up out of the middle of a leopard-skin cushion. You can ride it forever -- it won't wilt like a man."

Twat for Tommy. "I've had a crush on Tommy Lee ever since I was 15 -- he's so nasty. I have the videotape of him screwing Pamela Anderson. I play the yacht sex-scene where you see his huge cock going in, but you don't see her stupid face. I pretend he's loving me. My favorite part is when he comes."

Wetting the seat. "I went mountain-bike riding on Mt. Tamalpais. The bouncing in-and-out of potholes made me so juicy -- my underwear was soaked. I thought everyone could smell it. Eventually, I said I had to pee -- I went behind a redwood tree and 'finished' myself."

Swallowing the produce. "I play with food items. I put oil on pickles or Japanese eggplant, and sometimes I twirl carrots in my rectum. I bake pickles briefly because I don't like them cold, but I really like their warts. I never eat the food later -- that's sick!"

Alien orgasm. "I have sex fantasies about David Duchovny of The X-Files. I pretend that he's stalking me, because I'm evil, I'm from outer space. Eventually, I catch him. I tell him all the horrible secrets that he's always wanted to know and then I force him to orally service me. I adore his squinty eyes and pouty mouth."

I also received sexy "toy stories" about Barbie, Ken, and stuffed "plushies," and a few religious rituals involving candles and rosary beads bouncing around the clitoris.

I fervently enjoyed all these scenarios. Truth is, I better re-read them right now, very carefully, with my pants off, so my weenie can breathe...

Hank Hyena is a columnist at SFGate.com and a frequent contributor to Salon.