Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm a chronic masturbator who can only get off in public spaces: the library, parking lots, record stores, car shows, and swap meets. I've done myself in all of them. I dress up as if on a date with myself: short skirt, no panties, heels, lipstick. I plant an innocent look on my face and off I go. If anybody is within spitting distance I start to twiddle myself -- before you know it I'm coming.
I'm becoming incredibly bold. I even tweaked myself at a busy downtown intersection while waiting for the light to turn green, almost causing a three-car pile-up. I fear my behavior might land me in jail. Should I seek professional help?
Signed,
Pubic Nuisance
Dear Nuisance,
One of my pet peeves, especially when visiting Europe in the summer in the midst of World Cup mania, is that there is no female equivalent of huge sporting events for women. May I suggest the World Nut? Arenas filled with screaming women: hormonally charged in a replication of sporting frenzy; multiple orgasming and screaming like wild banshees as their pent-up frustrations are relieved in unison? This would be bliss. Annie Sprinkle, Candida Royale, and Susie Bright as the hometown cheerleaders (okay, so I digress). Since you seem quick to shoot, and enjoy the anonymous attention, then I see no reason for you not to pleasure yourself. One word of advice: Stay 500 feet away from schoolyards and police stations.
Dear Lydia,
I have trained my calico kitten to lick my balls. A few drops of milk dribbling down send the little puss purring. Her sandpaper tongue scratching the seam of my nutsack is an indescribably wonderful sensation. It started as a fluke but now I'm hooked and the cat won't get off my lap. Can I catch anything from Missy's mouth?
Signed,
Beasty Boy
Dear Beasty,
I'd worry more about possible scratches from kitty's claws. Bacteria of all sorts can coagulate under them, and if she accidentally scrapes your member in a feline frenzy, infection can follow. If it turns you on to know she licks her ass and then your dick, then have at it. Her mouth is probably cleaner than almost everything else you've wagged your prick at lately.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography, and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psychotherapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.
Tough Love runs each Thursday on GettingIt.