Even Microsoft employees hate Microsoft's promotional campaigns. In an honest moment, Microsoft marketer Deedee Welsh once confided that "You can't imagine the dumb giveaways Microsoft has that they will put our name on." Garbage cans, yo-yos, even ceramic Mardi Gras masks -- which Welsh characterized as "the butt-ugliest masks in the world."

No one knows what Microsoft's highly-paid marketing professionals wanted to accomplish with those masks, but the intended result probably wasn't "pulverization." One night Welsh stole the leftover ceramic masks for a raucous party after a trade show, where she tossed them into the air while bloodthirsty geeks pelted them with mushballs. Ultimately, "geek skeet" didn't increase brand loyalty. But it sure was fun.

Microsoft's dominance has been building for years. With a monopoly on desktop operating systems, marketing is barely necessary -- but Microsoft has billions of dollars, so they do it anyway. Over $200 million was lavished on a single-day event in Redmond, Washington, when Microsoft launched the first major upgrade to Windows in 1995. Jay Leno himself was flown to Microsoft's Redmond campus, where he told bad Windows jokes on-stage with a testy Bill Gates. ("You're booing that one? Jesus Christ....")

And yours truly, Lou Cabron, was there! Since Microsoft was so anxious to court the press, I made up a magazine and then told Microsoft I was covering the event for them. No one even bothered to check whether or not the magazine existed! The moral of this story: Microsoft is gullible.

So does Microsoft really suck up to the press? Let me put it this way -- there were six kinds of beer at the press reception. The next morning, a chartered bus escorted me, along with the real reporters, from Seattle to Microsoft's Redmond campus. We were regaled by the luxury and splendor of prime Seattle real estate, and whisked past the picketers from Apple and under the mini-blimp AOL had hired to hover over the event. Each and every reporter walked away with a free CD player, a Microsoft tote bag, and a free Windows 95 upgrade CD.

Now you can pick up the torch. Break into your boss's office and install look-alike screens that say "Microsloth Winblows98" every time the computer is booted up. ("You are now waiting for Winblows to infect your system...") Countless Web sites document "replacement screens" for the corporate clouds-on-blue-sky artwork that's installed with Windows by default -- the ones that display patronizing messages like "It is now safe to turn off your system." Replace the Windows logo with pictures of Cindy Crawford, Jimmy Buffett, or Wonder Woman -- or use these sites' instructions to create your own replacement screens. (A taunting Steve Jobs? Beavis and Butthead?)

My personal favorite just says: "I'd rather be outside."

Take that, Windows 98!

Regular "Internet for Assholes" readers may remember Bernadette Taylor from our installment on stalking. On her Web page, the exhibitionist displays sultry photos of herself in steamy poses -- naked in the shower, naked in the snow, naked on the beach... well, you get the idea. But the important thing is that she also hates Microsoft. After assembling an audience of one million page views a day, she began denying access to anyone at the company, and even to people using Microsoft-owned products like Hotmail, WebTV, or the Microsoft Network.

She even asked her readers to suggest additional Microsoft products to block -- asking that the emails be sent with the subject line "Piss off Microsoft."