Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm thinking about dating a lawyer who was dumped by a girlfriend of mine. She left town, claiming he was stalking her. He seems nice, considerate, attentive, and smart. He has a good job and doesn't appear needy of anything. Should I heed her words of advice, or follow my own instincts? Good guys are hard to come by -- please help.
Signed,
Legal Eagle
Dear Eagle,
Good guys may be hard to come by, but stalkers are harder to get rid of. Especially if they have the law behind them. Smells like trouble. Psychopaths, pathological liars, and chronic obsessives are almost always irresistible. A charlatan's charisma is the hook they bait you in with.
I've never met an asshole I didn't like, but maybe you need to sharpen your instincts. Buy Gavin De Becker's book The Gift of Fear. It clearly states the warning signs. Unfortunately it may be too late by the time you recognize them. Your girlfriend left town to escape his clutches -- learn from her mistakes. How much more of a sign do you need?
If it's already too late, pick up H. Michael Sweeney's The Professional Paranoid: How to Fight Back When Investigated, Stalked, Harassed, or Targeted by Any Agency, Organization, or Individual.
Dear Lydia,
I feel rejected. My live-in partner ignores me, insults me in front of her friends, and in general can't seem to stand my very presence. She claims to love me but never shows it. The only time she's affectionate or even nice is when we're having sex. She claims I'm the most thorough fuck she's ever had, sighs my praises, then treats me like shit in the morning. What should I do?
Signed,
Dog Boy
Dear Dog Boy,
Try treating her like she treats you; snub her, roll your eyes when she enters the room, get up and leave for hours on end. When she complains, confront her with your feelings. Of course she'll probably deny it -- she must be used to you swallowing her bullshit by now. But, it will probably still drive her crazy. No one can stand to see his or her behavior mimicked. If she doesn't relent, move out. If your dick is the only connection you have, then admit it and stop wasting your time. Don't stay in a dead-end relationship just because the sex is convenient.
Lydia
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.