Wonderful sex," gushes orgasm-goddess Annie Sprinkle, "was happening in my bedroom after Jwala redecorated it -- she's an erotic environmentalist!"
Ostrich feathers, dripping velvet, mirrors, and Balinese batiks enhanced Annie's blissful boudoir enjoyment. Her wailing walls were also drenched with wet paint: gold, purple, and turquoise.
"I create a vibration that's harmonizing and transformative," purrs Tantric priestess Jwala, best-selling author of the guidebook Sacred Sex and creator of its accompanying videotape, Ecstatica. "My bedroom makeovers bring sacred sensuality into your love nest."
Jwala's own intimate playpen includes Oriental fans, promiscuous pillows, and voluptuous statuettes of Tantric deities. It's arousing to imagine the international love lecturer -- who offers steamy seminars on "How to Satisfy Your Mate to the Core" -- actualizing her expertise here.
A spicy ingredient utilized by boudoir-boosting Jwala is Feng Shui, the Chinese art of placement and design. Feng Shui concerns itself with the attainment, expression, and dispersal of energy (Chi). Sounds sexy, huh?
All eager yins (females) and yangs (males) seeking mind/body fun in their horizontal chambers should consider the Feng Shui frolicking tips below. Just Tao it!
1. Has impotence bottled up the masculine fluids? A spurting fountain in the corner can bubble up that stagnant yang.
2. If you're as old as 100-year duck eggs, you might be fearful of a fatal heart attack during fornication. To avoid this, put nine pieces of ice in a white pot, add a tablespoon of camphor, and put it under your bed, where your heart is. This elixir will keep your thumper pumping when you're humping.
3. To attract a mate, paint your walls pink or peach, and display similarly hued sheets, blankets, and undergarments. Fleshy colors provide "peach blossom luck."
4. If you want a stable relationship, your bed should have two sides resting against a wall. Without this, lovers feel as though they have no support to lean on. Huge stones should also be placed under the bed, and don't sleep over a garage! Exiting vehicles below will unsettle you.
5. Red increases energy! It's a chi-charger that stimulates appetite. Paint your walls crimson for powerful passion. Lay out scarlet sheets and blankets, and put firecrackers under the bed -- they'll ignite explosive intercourse.
6. A bed with rounded corners smoothes the edge of a rocky marriage.
7. Beams that cross over the bed cause disease. If a beam intersects the head -- migraines ensue. Over the stomach? Ulcers. Over the feet? Bunions and corns. Over the crotch? Yeast infections, genital warts, and other lust-snuffing ailments.
8. Tired of "quickies"? Premature ejaculation? Goal-oriented groping? Patience can be promulgated in your bedroom, if light blue is the predominant color.
9. Lovers who sleep on two twin-size mattresses side by side with a lengthwise crack between them will suffer horrible misunderstandings. Replace this with a king-size mattress and the chasm of conflicts will be bridged.
10. If a backache cripples you, place a bamboo flute between the mattress and the box springs, parallel to your spine. You'll wake up limber and libidinous!
11. Want to keep your partner faithful? Force them to wear only yellow -- the color of devotion and faith.
12. Full-length mirrors are sexy, but if they're placed too low they'll "cut off" someone's head. Bad luck, unless you prefer mates who are brainless in bed.
13. Cheerful chimes and tinkling bells above your bed can lure entranced lovers into your web.
14. Is your sex life squashed by worries and grief? Feathers will lighten your spirits. Mobiles with origami birds are also uplifting.
15. Your abode might be sexually "dead" if it's too close to a graveyard. Sexier setups are situated near phallic structures like the Washington Monument and the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or vaginal orifices like Carlsbad Caverns and the English Chunnel.
16. Women who want to get pregnant should add nine lotus seeds and nine dates to their sperm donor's unwashed dinner bowl. Fill the bowl 70 percent full of water, expose it to the moon, and place the bowl under your bed where your womb is.
Got it, hussies and horndogs? Use this aphrodisiac advice, and every body who enters your bedroom will be "I Ching" to pull their panties off.
Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate.com and SF Metropolitan, and a frequent contributor to Salon.com.