Your mouth is filthy in more ways than one, baby -- that's what I love about you. But, sad to say, what I mean is your tongue harbors more harmful bacteria than all your teeth put together. Daily tongue cleaning can reduce the pungency of that nasty breath of yours by 85 percent, and cramming a bath-sized bar of Irish Spring in your face just isn't going to do it. You need the battery-operated Oralgiene Electric Tongue Cleaner. Its plastic scraper vibrates at 8,000 rpm -- fast as a Lamborghini's engine, don'cha know? Its design is such that it cleans your tongue without causing a gag reflex -- but I'm betting that's not a concern for you, you naughty beast, you!

But if you're on the other end of the dirty-minded spectrum -- that is to say, if your sexual repression is such that you grind your teeth incessantly while you sleep -- what you need is the Nightguard. This plastic mouthpiece cushions those pearly whites and prevents you from mashing them into fine powder overnight. But the cool thing is that the soft plastic design uses your body temperature to mold itself to the shape of your mouth. Filthy or not, your mouth deserves all the TLC it can get.