Size problems? Everybody has them -- am I right?
Women: Are you frustrated by your partner's puny protuberance? Your knickers are sopping, but when they're removed his diminutive dick dries you up? Do you feel like a pencil sharpener? Is he lost, just a needle in your hairstack?
Or, conversely, is his meat too immense? Does coupling with him resemble shoving a cat into a manila envelope?
Men: Are you eager to plug into her pink portal, but your prong's too pudgy for the pocket? You can't cram your gila monster into the ant-hole? Or when you rocket inside her, do you find gallons of depressing, useless space because you're just a tadpole, splashing in her never-ending puddle?
Pussy and prick need precise squishy-slurping friction, to agitate and arouse all those naughty nerve endings.
Flopping and floundering about in an abyss creates flaccid embarrassment. Equally annoying is twisting thick timber into a tiny twat -- this causes yeast infections, cracked "bone-knuckles" and other boudoir disasters.
Do these sad-sex scenarios sound familiar?
If your genitalia are jammed too tight, or too loose, instead of perfectly juicy -- then fear not, there's Hindu help for the horny.
The Kama Sutra is an elegant love manual, written subcontinentally 1,600 years ago by a lascivious Sanskrit scholar named Vatsyayana. In his torrid tome, the various dimensions or "yoni" and "lingam" are catalogued, with listings of copulatory positions that can ecstatically join any two orifices, even if they're wildly divergent in size.
Male rods are ranked as either rodentine "rabbit," bigger "bull," or huge "horse." I was surprised to hear that Equus hangs heavier than Taurus, but hey -- I've never scoped out the stables.
Female slots are more sensibly titled; there's dinky "deer," medium "mare," and enormous "elephant" -- no arguing who's got the jumbo pit here. The Kama Sutra is irritatingly unnatural when it immediately describes the "three equal unions" -- i.e., easy fits -- as rabbit+deer, bull+mare, and horse+elephant. The peacock-brained Vatsyayana could have at least made horse+mare compatible, but no, the Delhi-pervert insisted on ludicrous, metaphorical bestial bondings.
Ignoring the brahmin-bozo's zoological stupidity, we'll proceed. First, let's examine the copulatory positions that enable a rabbit-man to feel big inside an elephant-woman. The Kama Sutra states that "the Hastini (elephant) woman should contract her yoni." Vadawa (mare) women are advised similarly, if they're faced with rabbity carrots.
Elephant yonis, the Kama Sutra asserts, should be contracted "after congress (intercourse) has begun, by either crossing the shanks (ankles) in the 'lotus-like position,'" or by crossing the thighs, in the "packed position." If this throttles the rabbit-stick too brutally, the elephant legs can remain side-by-side, with the thighs flexed, squashing the little lingam in the "pressing position."
Other posture possibilities are to have elephant-woman's legs folded up tight by the rabbit-man's heaving chest in the "crab position," or to aim both legs straight up together, yoni flexed, in the "rising position."
These poking-improvement maneuvers can be performed either with the elephant/mare woman sprawled supine, leaning on her left side, standing with her lover in "supported congress," balanced against a wall with him in "suspended congress," or with the man mounted behind her in the "congress of a cow."
Now, what about horse-man? That stocky-shafted stallion? How does he wriggle into dainty deer-woman?
The Kama Sutra suggests that "the Mrigi (deer) woman should ... widen her yoni," and that "the man should apply some unguent, so as to make entrance easy."
Pillows under the woman's fawning abdomen, with her doe legs widely spread, is recommended as the "widely opened position." With her legs draped over the horse-man's shoulders, it's labeled the "yawning position." If one leg is folded around the man's shoulder, and the other leg is stretched out, it becomes the "splitting of a bamboo." And finally, with one long limber leg extended straight up past the stallion's head, and the other leg stretched out horizontally, deer+horse can enjoy the "fixing of a nail."
My final mantra is this: All humans should assist their bestial genitalia by teaching them these titillating tricks -- the Indian-intertwining science transforms suffering sex sessions into squeaky, squirting, climaxing fun.
Hank Hyena is a columnist for SfGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.