Get naked, gals and guys -- it's time for Sex-Lesson #1 from the horny Hanky-panky-man. Today we'll learn how to mate doggie style. Bow-wow whoopie!
Down on all four legs first and wag your tails. Sniff and snarf each other's gamy orifices with your frisky nostrils -- lick, nuzzle and drool. Slobber the hot organs up, until every mongrel muscle is begging for a nasty dog-boning.
Females: You sexy she-bitches, Dog-man desperately wants you. Slowly turn your beautiful body around, arch your fine lupine back and drive those canine-cocks crazy!
Stick your amazing ass high in the air, flex your firm haunches, and squeeze. Doggie-man loves your strong cheeks. He's weeping with lust. Make him gnaw and scratch and bark at your buns for at least ten minutes, make him rim your rectum like a gentle, obedient dog before you reward him.
Males: Grovel and worship the Grade-A excellent butt-meat before you. Stroke her derriere and whimper incessantly. Tell her that her ass is a miracle, that it's tiny, tough, and sweeter than an apricot. Tell her that your dick is exploding with blood, that you're going to blow up and die if you can't stick it in her.
Females: Carefully peel your labia lips open with two slender fingers to flash your fuschia interior. This signals "green light" to the gleeful Dog-man. Wiggle your booty eagerly -- this indicates that you're aching inside, your apple-ass is craving his worm. When doggie-dick enters you, it's proper etiquette to gasp. This suggests to the hound-humper that his pud is breathtakingly enormous. Compared to him, other men are mere puppies.
Males: You lucky dog! You're on top of the world with a nice slip & slide, and you don't have to endure eye-contact. If you're a narcissist/butt-man like me, the view from above of your snake slithering into God's greatest creation can't be beat!
My advice: If you want this posture in your permanent repertoire then help her get off. Pinch and pluck at her succulent breasts that are hanging loose, when her nipples are primed, put your best hand on her pussy.
Tickle and bully her clit -- with luck, she'll climax precisely when your deep driving dick sprays a huge doggie-load on her cervix. Her buttocks will spasm wildly with pleasure as your pumping pooch semen pours out.
Enjoy yourselves, animals! Next week, we'll study Eating at the "Y" -- Athletic Cunnilingus.
Hank Hyena is a columnist at SFgate and a frequent contributor to Salon.