Canine Cajones
I'll take the Great Danes, thank you
Published October 13, 1999 in Crave

Jim Webb is going to be the first human to dangle a "bow-wow ball" between his long legs. On November 10, the 41-year-old Californian's nutty dream will come true -- a dog-friendly "neuticle" will be stitched into his scrotum-skin sack to replace the left testicle he lost last year.

See also...
... by Hank Hyena
... in the Crave section
... from October 13, 1999

CTI Corporation, the fake testicle manufacturer, has rolled over 30,000 implants across the counter and into scrotums since December of 1995, mostly to pet-pamperers who want their hounds "hanging" normally after they're neutered. Mutts don't even know they've been maimed, if sensitive masters get the jelly-beanish ovals inserted.

Fake testes for humans have been extinct in the USA ever since silicone spheres were withdrawn in 1982, due to leaking. A neuticle, made of polypropylene or solid silicone (which replicates a doggie gonad's texture and firmness) "can't puncture, drip, or break," claims inventor Gregg Miller. "When the dog (or human) dies, the neuticle will still be perfect."

Lop-sided Jim originally wanted the medium-sized model, for collies, dalmatians, and pit bulls. But recently, his desire expanded to weighty mastiff dimensions: the 2" x 1" super-nugget that impersonates rottweilers, Saint Bernards, bloodhounds, and Great Danes.

Whimsically, we wonder if the perky pooch-placebo will alter Jim's daily behavior -- will he maul a mailman? Will he spurt puppy-semen? Will he defecate on lawns? Piss on truck tires?

He'll undoubtedly be teased for his cosmetic-canine operation, but everybody should credit Jim with at least one compliment: He's finally got balls. Two of them.

See also: Missing Meat

Hank Hyena is a columnist for SfGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.