It would cost me about $2,500 to get the fat sucked out of my ass. It would cost me about $250 to get a Fantom Cyclone XT vacuum with HEPA filter and a free T-shirt. The Fantom Cyclone weighs 25 pounds. I think my ass weighs 25 pounds. It would take about 25 days (almost 4 weeks) for me to heal from ass surgery. If I ordered my vacuum today, it would take me about 5-10 days to receive it by standard shipping. The Cyclone utilizes a certified HEPA filter on the exhaust to trap minute particles such as pollen, mold, fungus, yeast cells, plant spores and many other household allergens.

Ultrasound-Assisted Lipoplasty Liposuction requires the use of a special tube that produces ultrasonic waves. As it passes through the areas of fat, the energy explodes the walls of the fat cells, liquefying the fat. The Cyclone has an upholstery/pet hair tool. Both the Cyclone and liposuction use clear collection bins.

I spoke with a plastic surgeon about liposuction. He refused to let me use his real name.

GETTINGIT: Have you ever heard of someone performing liposuction at home?

PLASTIC SURGEON WHO REFUSED TO LET ME USE HIS NAME: No.

GI: Never?

PSWRTLMUHN: No.

GI: OK, but you know those Fantom Cyclone vacuums, the really cool ones with the HEPA filters, aren't they as good as the vacuums used in liposuction?

PSWRTLMUHN: No.

GI: But why? I mean, how many amps does a plastic surgery vacuum use?

PSWRTLMUHN: Liposuction needs to be done in sterile conditions, with the proper equipment. You can't suction fat into a home vacuum cleaner.

GI: Well, I mean, surely you must be able to improvise. I mean...

PSWRTLMUHN: No.

There were an estimated 60-100 deaths due to liposuction last year, out of 110,000 procedures studied. In 1998, there were about 15,000 vacuum cleaner-related accidents. The PSWRTLMUHN informed me that some unscrupulous doctors were performing the lipoplasty in their patient's homes. He said this was very dangerous due to the fluids that can be lost during the surgery. You should never submerge any cords of electrical appliances such as those on vacuum cleaners in water. Liposuction may also cause purple bruising on the area "sculpted" after surgery is performed. The Fantom Cyclone is already a cool purple color and much cheaper.