Sagittarius: [11/23 - 12/21] Mr. Archer is always so adventurous! Having undergone a controversial new hairplant treatment involving DNA from a chimpanzee, you will wake up one morning to find that your head now resembles Koko the gorilla.
Capricorn: [12/22 - 1/20] You work too hard, Mr. Capricorn. Victim of a misplaced work ethic, you will rush to catch your morning train, only to be emasculated in an unfortunate accident involving a subway turnstile.
Aquarius: [1/21 - 2/19] Love is in the air for you this month, Lady Aquarius! You are headed for a hot Internet romance with a 300-pound Texan named Buford T. Boogebear III. Unfortunately, he will find out where you live, causing a hurried relocation on your part.
Pisces: [2/20 - 3/20] You'd better watch that vanity, Ms. Fish! Victim of a stoned plastic surgeon, your liposuction procedure will remove all of the padding from your breasts and relocate it to your thighs.
Aries: [3/21 - 4/20] Mr. Ram is the speed demon of the zodiac. This month your brakes could fail as you're speeding down a crowded highway at rush hour. Downside: The possibility of becoming instant road pizza. Upside: You always did love to play Turbo.
Taurus: [4/21 - 5/21] You might want to lay off of the caffeine, Mr. Bull. Victim of a Starbucks' venti java, you will come down with an uncontrollable case of the squirts in the middle of a major presentation to a client. Fortunately, you'll be able to sell them on brown as a campaign color scheme.
Gemini: [5/22 - 6/21] Bad news. Your negative karma is returning to you. Your roommate will take off without warning, leaving you with a $4,000 phone bill to the Psychic Friends Network. Worse yet, Dionne Warwick will refuse to take your calls.
Cancer: [6/22 - 7/22] Your heart is in the right place, Mr. Crab. While whipping up Thanksgiving dinner for your girlfriend, you will simultaneously consult Martha Stewart's latest book and chop up some bok choi. This will lead to a small injury. Fortunately, your girlfriend won't notice the fingertip garnish on her salad.
Leo: [7/23 - 8/22] Congratulations, Mr. Lion! You've always been a natural performer, and this is your time to shine. You will soon be catapulted into instant celebrity by your unique ability to fart to the tune of "Happy Birthday."
Virgo: [8/23 - 9/23] You'd better stock up on those vitamins. You will contract a nasty case of the flu, spewing fluid from orifices you didn't even realize you had. But a friend will keep you well supplied with drugs. Soon, you will be experiencing a transcendental feeling of oneness with the entire cast of Ricki Lake.
Libra: [9/24 - 10/23] You can't avoid the law forever. You will be stopped by a state trooper for tailgating a grayhair on the highway. Lucky for you, the cop will remind you about that outstanding $50,000 worth of child support payments you had somehow forgotten about.
Scorpio: [10/24 - 11/22] Your powers of fertility will be high this month, Mr. Scorpion. Your girlfriend will announce that she is pregnant with quintuplets. Happily, you'll immediately realize that the kids can't be yours, because the two of you have never had sex five times in one night.
Between rounds of ghostbusting, turning O.J. Simpson down for dates, and composing dirty limericks, Jennifer Shepherd likes to think of herself as a "serious" writer.
Scary Scopes runs each month on GettingIt.