Pilgrim Sex
An exposé on colonial copulation
Published November 24, 1999 in Crave

In 1620 the pilgrims set sail for the New World. It was cold and gross and no one had hair dryers or deodorant or anything made by Prada, and I bet there were rats and eventually someone said, "Hey, I'm sick of this here boat and I wanna get off," so they settled in Plymouth. This is how the New World began, and in addition to bringing us the Thanksgiving holiday, the pilgrims also introduced us to the idea of kinky sex. You don't believe me? Read on, brave explorer.

See also...
... by Eve Rings
... in the Crave section
... from November 24, 1999

Pilgrim women were hookers. Okay, so maybe there isn't any exact historical evidence of this, but prostitution is the oldest profession. They had to trade many things with the Indians, and I'm sure one of the settlers along the way suggested, "If thee teaches me to plant thee corn, I will let thee have sex with my wife." Barter system baby. The world was founded on this.

They had sex with the corn. Don't even think that women waited until the invention of the dildo to start masturbating. While the men were building barns, the women were out in the fields pleasuring themselves with dried cornhusks.

The pilgrims invented bondage. The pristine white aprons with long strings, the shiny buckles on every part of clothing, the big pointy hats -- of course they invented bondage. You know they were back behind the barn tying each other up with those apron strings and buckles, and I'm sure you can guess what they were doing with those hats. I mean, the Amish are very much like the pilgrims, and look at how sexy they are. They have no electricity so they have nothing else to do but have sex, and they are always making those quilts which go on beds, and we all know what people do in beds.

So when you're settling down to the big feast on Thanksgiving, remember to give a special thanks to our Founding Fathers.

Eve Rings is a 29-year-old writer who should really be a history professor.