Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from post-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm a chat room junkie, but that's not the worst of it. I've been posing as a 300-pound blonde, female, narcoleptic speed freak who gets off on sugar-bingeing and then passing out on top of my male cohorts, crushing them under my feminine chub. I have three guys who are waiting to gorge me silly with Godiva and submit to the free-fall of my mighty Aphrodite bulk. Here's the problem: I'm a hetero man with extremely masculine tendencies -- until I get online. Then, it's as if the ghost of Totie Fields takes over. I'm starting to guilt-trip. What should I do?
Signed,
Female Impersonator
Dear Imp,
If anyone believes anything that's said on a chat line, they deserve to be duped. The beauty of this beast is the anonymity it lends. The freedom to not only research, but to manifest a multiplicity of deviant thought, alternative philosophies, and pseudo-religions. Techno-communiqués are both tool and toy. You're obviously enjoying your little charade. It's cheaper than drag and safer than singles bars. Embrace your fantasy. But be wise enough to avoid, under any circumstance, a face-to-face with any of your followers. You wouldn't want to disappoint.
Dear Lydia,
My lover has a really annoying habit. He gets off on fucking my nose with his tongue. Not just a little Eskimo kiss or an occasional lick from side to side, but really going at it with the same technique he applies to my love canal. It's starting to turn me off, and now that we're entering cold and flu season, it's worrying me as well. What's the attraction there? Any hints?
Signed,
Anywhere But There
Dear ABT,
I've experienced this phenomenon on a first-hand basis, and actually found it quite pleasant. The key is to relax into it. The first reaction is to squirm away in disgust, worried about what he might find up there, just how gooey it might be and whether or not you'll be forced to kiss the very mouth that just cleared your sinuses, which is hardly a turn-on. Try to see it from his perspective, though. It's just another one of your delightful holes to explore in search of ecstatic pleasure. At least until he catches your bronchitis.
Lydia Lunch will be performing at the Cafe du Nord in San Francisco on Valentines Day, February 14, 2000.