The following are excerpts from a speech given to the Minnewawa Valley Chamber of Commerce by Minnesota Governor and presidential aspirant Jesse Ventura. Suddenly realizing that the Reform Party was composed of whiny cheese-eating losers, Mr. Ventura founded the National Wrestling Workers Party (nicknamed the "Matzis") to spearhead his campaign for the White House. For the full text of this speech visit Mr. Ventura's Web site at www.thebodyrulesabsolutely.com.
My fellow Americans, we are standing at the threshold of a New World Order, and this one has nothing to do with Hulk Hogan. Just as my forehead is scarred from years in the ring, so too is our nation now deeply scarred and divided. Decent hardworking Americans feel pinned to the mat of existence by forces that they just barely understand, while all around us the Four Horsemen seem ready to destroy everything we've worked so hard to create. But take heart, my friends. As Teddy Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but Mexicans and poor people."
As a highly decorated war veteran with numerous medals and commendations to my credit, I am always reluctant to talk about my days in the service. But recently, I was reminded of a dream I had during my term in a Laotian POW camp. The year was 1974 and as I lay on the dirt floor of a stinking communist hut weak with dysentery, one burning desire gave my life purpose during the darkest days of my ordeal. I didn't wish for money, or fame in the wrestling ring, or even for revenge on Jane "Hanoi" Fonda.
No, my thoughts were of my country, long may she reign. It was then that I realized the United States must immediately demand reunification with the so-called nation of Canada.
Everyone agrees that historically Canada began as a part of the English Empire. And if I'm not mistaken, we beat those people fair and square, not once, but twice. Those Canucks can drink tea, eat crumpets and neglect their teeth all they want, but they know full well that they're Americans. Off-brand Americans to be sure, but Americans nonetheless. And the folks up there may be a little thick and say "eh?" all the time, but we want our country back anyway. Except for the French part. Those kinds of Canadians can have their own country and ally with France, which would serve them right.
To be sure, certain radical elements will feel that Anschluss with Canada cannot be achieved in our lifetime. This is ludicrous. I've already taken steps to achieve similar measures in Minnesota. If we can make it happen here, surely the superior resources available at the national level can make the re-acquisition of our former territory to the north a reality.
Right now, legislation that I sponsored in the Minnesota State Legislature is pending calling for my own state's reunification with Wisconsin -- an unfortunate area to the east of us. For as long as I can remember, errant Wisconsinites have been slipping across the border, drunk on quarter beers, harassing the citizens of Minnesota, and creating an almost Canadian sense of dullness in our great state.
Historically, Wisconsin is clearly a part of Minnesota. Our people are descended from the same proud Teutonic drones that made Norway and Iceland the garden spots that they are today. And in the spirit of good old American generosity we plan on instituting an amnesty period, during which most of the cheese-heads can become full-fledged citizens of the Great State of Minnesota, as long as we get the Green Bay Packers as part of the deal.
Considering education, let me first say that the United States of America is my home. I was born and raised right here in God's Country. When I hear the word "library" I reach for my Luger.
Nevertheless, I was taught to speak a form of English in school and to respect my elders. I was taught the importance of hard work and a good physique. Most importantly I was taught never to body slam anyone under 250 pounds without a trained physician in the audience. But sometimes I wonder whether the younger generation will enjoy the same no-nonsense education that I received growing up right here in America's heartland.
Recently, federal legislation was introduced safeguarding the rights of gays, lesbians, and other sociopaths to recruit in our public schools. Advocates of the homosexual lifestyle see this as a chance to increase their numbers without having to engage in normal sexual practices. Children are to be taught that anything that feels good is okay, that people are people regardless of their sexual orientation, and that it's alright to snort poppers on the dance floor while sodomizing someone that you just met five minutes before in a bathroom stall. Is this what Mr. Washington had in mind when he wrote the Constitution? You tell me.
It should be obvious by now that what all gay people really want, besides a light wine that goes well with ceviche, is special treatment. In this spirit, I propose the following compromise. Homosexuals agree to leave the Continental U.S. and to wear some type of voluntary identification, be it a bright pink triangle patch or numerical tattoo. In exchange, the U.S. gives you people the state of Hawaii to do with as you will.
If you think about it, everybody benefits. We get our country back and they get to parade on the beach all day in thongs with no squares around to gawk at their piercings. Let's face it, Hawaii's not really America anyway, and when the Japanese decide to bomb it again someday, I know just what vocal minority this nation needs to represent us at ground zero.
Looking beyond our nation's borders, at the world around us, we are genuinely confused. Some of these foreigners are okay, but would it kill them to speak a little English and work for a living? Should we allow some arcane tradition to dictate the wearing of towels on the head when science has proven that they are far more effective on the beach and in the locker room? These problems are not likely to go away without federal intervention.
It is true that as Americans we are all the descendants of immigrants. But, these new kinds don't know enough to be ashamed of their native customs and languages. They lack the will to assimilate, to fit in. That's why I feel that we need to get to the heart of the immigration issue by destroying these foreigners at the source. This can only be accomplished by bombing their homelands before they have a chance to get here in the first place. We could start with Israel.
I have often wondered why the Jews need another homeland when they can already claim the entire island of Manhattan as the center of Semitic culture. These days, it seems that you can't swing a dead cat on the streets of New York without hitting a Hebrew. Not that I would advise trying it -- if they decide to sue, you're really in trouble.
Bombing Israel out of existence might also result in the eventual disarmament of the Arabs, although as long as they have two pounds of fertilizer and a fuse you're not getting me to fly Air Syria. Which is just as well, as I've been told that the stewardesses of those particular unfriendly skies wear black veils and burlap panties anyway.
In the spirit of true campaign finance reform I also believe that we need to wash, fluff and fold our friends the Chinese once and for all. When Mr. Clinton is asked for a quid pro quo on all that money he's been collecting from wealthy businessmen over there, he would do well to remember the words of Napoleon who said, "Today, China sleeps. Maybe tomorrow she'll have a bad dream, roll over and crush the Goddamn Russians." At this point, we can only hope.
And don't get me started on those dot-heads. I once wrestled one named "Kid Gandhi" and turned him into three tins of warmed-over vindaloo before the first round was over. Passive resistance just doesn't work out there in the ring, people, and when I'm elected president there won't be anything passive on Pennsylvania Avenue, either. Once we've napalmed those Pakis back to the stone-age we can empty out the reservations in Oklahoma and send over some real Indians and half a million gallons of corn liquor just to make it interesting.
My friends, we are at a crossroads in history. Will the forces of evil throw the American people to the mat, pinning our shoulders and destroying our dreams forever? Will we be mauled, beaten, clotheslined and suplexed by those who would throw sand in the eyes of the world's referee?
When that tag-team grudge match called Election 2000 arrives, the National Wrestling Workers Party invites you to become part of the solution. Vote Jesse Ventura for President. Vote early and vote often, because sometimes we really don't know who's going to win ahead of time. And this time it's not just personal, it's political.
Good night and God bless us, everyone.
Junior Downey is the author of Greedy Media: The Blind Leading the Retarded and a past recipient of the PEN/Faulkner award for bad writing.