Who is the most dangerous woman in America? According to an ancient article inGreat Britain's The Mail on Sunday, that woman is Gennifer Flowers. It's a quote she proudly touts on her very own Web site, and one we would all be wise to heed.
We have always known deep inside our American souls that the look and IQ of the former first mistress of Arkansas are the stuff of late-night infomercials, not presidential peccadilloes. Yet, from the distance of the TV screen and magazine photo spreads, she seemed more fiction than fact -- a Joe Klein character rather than a Newsweek reality. Flanked by censorious lawyers, there remained a sliver of hope that she wasn't so bad; that the man we'd elected to be commander in chief didn't have the sexual appetite of Luigi the half-wit plumber.
The Web site allows a more personal glimpse into the Flowers psyche, and rips these hopes to shreds. She longs to be a singer, famous in her own right: "Gennifer Flowers is a remarkable talent, who doesn't need controversy to make her a star." She compares her voice to Dinah Washington's -- who, I'm sure, will continue spinning in her grave until the site is taken down.
She also considers herself a staunch advocate of women's rights, as evidenced by the speech she gave earlier this year at Oxford University: "...We need to get out there and re-establish how important it is that we are not sexually harassed in the work place and that we do demand and maintain our rights as women in equality because I think it is very threatened at this point by all that has happened."
Yet in her advice column, uniquely named "Dear Gennifer," she advises Nigel, who's just "accidentally" boinked his wife's twin sister, that the twin is "the 'snake in the grass' and should be the one to make an immediate EXIT! In the meantime, I suggest you keep off the booze and avoid having 'double vision' in the future." Reading this blame-the-woman admonition, one must wonder what Flowers thinks of herself, considering she was once the snake-like other woman.
More disturbing still are her list of 50-plus people she thinks the president had offed and "Gennifer's LinksTM," which include such bizarre sites as the U.S. Coast Guard and the C.I.A.
But things get really sick and twisted on the merchandise page, where she offers The Gennifer Flowers Presidente Cigar. "The Gennifer Flowers Presidente is a beautiful combination of smooth, rich flavors," promises the unimaginative ad copy.
Not only is this woman without shame, but she's a damned fool! On her bio page, she touts her ability to be famous for something other than scandal. Then, from that page, she links to several pages related to the scandal she claims to be avoiding. She doesn't have the self-awareness or intelligence to see her own hypocrisy.
This is why Gennifer Flowers is the most dangerous woman in America: She proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that our president has all the wit and self-restraint of a golden retriever in heat. He's a horny dolt. If our enemies find out, the end will be nigh. Which is why I say to you, my fellow Americans, shut this god-awful Web site down!
Escort Ms. Flowers to a Club Med off Tahiti where she can sing to her heart's content and do no more harm to national security. And can she take Monica and Paula too? Pretty please?
Jenn Shreve is a freelance writer in San Francisco and a media columnist for Salon.com.