HOUSTON -- With the first of several executions slated to take place today, August 4, the great state of Texas is juicing up for a two-week spurt of killings and corresponding statewide parties.
By eliminating due process, Texas has been able to not only pump up the volume of executions, but also to speed inmates through the system from conviction to injection in the minimum amount of time. Texas is looking to break its 1997 record of 37 lethal injection deaths, but many locals acknowledge it will be a big challenge.
"I'll tell ya, '97 was a damn fine year," said Oscar Henley, 42, of Plano. "We killed a bunch of lowlifes, drank a lot of beer, and ate one helluva lot of ribs. But we've got a good team this year, you know? Solid convictions, a tough-on-crime governor running for president. The stats look promising. I'm having me a good old-fashioned pit barbecue ever' time we shoot one of them shooters up. So far I've got over 73 pounds of baby back ribs and 64 gallons of potato salad. It'll be a hell of a season either way."
Meanwhile, Texas governor George W. Bush is pointing to the roster of those who'll receive lethal injection as another example of his compassionate conservatism, because, "only two of them are black, and no fat chicks."
Bush went on to call death penalty critics -- who pointed out that many death row inmates' defense attorneys slept through their trials -- "a bunch of weenies who don't know how to party Texas style," before proclaiming "Yeeeee-haw!"
Fox Cable is hoping to air a special series covering the executions to compete directly with the always-popular "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel.