When dealing with a newsgroup as a whole, the most important thing to do is get everyone's attention. Jump right in with some name-calling! Attribute your ideas to talking squirrels! Post that you're masturbating! And mention UFOs frequently.

Everyone loves a "character" -- so shoulder your way in! Newsgroups are a lot like a party -- all attention focuses on the person who talks the loudest. Just remember these easy tips:

  • Never post anything related to the newsgroup's topic.
  • Argue with everyone.
  • Browbeat your opponents into submission.
  • Use pretentious metaphors.
  • TYPING IN ALL UPPERCASE LETTERS -- or all lowercase letters -- is cool.
  • Make things up.
  • Post anonymously (or even better -- under a pseudonym).
    		•

    Remember, the Internet is a haven of goodwill and trust waiting to be exploited. Whenever you come across a post from someone new, send them email. A stranger is just a friend we haven't met yet, right?

    Then ask to borrow money.

     

    Where To Find Losers

  • Star Trek chat rooms
  • Star Wars chat rooms
  • Chat rooms
  • Support groups for the suicidal
  • Newsgroups about things you don't like
  • eBay

    • If they have a Web page that supplies their name and home city, look up their phone number. Then phone them asking why they haven't updated their page in a while. Make suggestions. Keep phoning back -- they'll appreciate the reminders! Ultimately, you should publish their phone number on the Internet yourself, so that others may offer helpful suggestions too.

    With a little creativity, you can find even more subtle ways of being an asshole, customized to the peculiarities of individual sites. Use your imagination! Be the guy on eBay selling a sock! (coming soon: eBay for Assholes!) As one eBay user observed: "It really ruins the magic for the rest of us."

    Exactly!

     

    A technical note for assholes: use the most obscure newsreader available. Why post: Same to you, asshole!

    ...when you could post

    <MIME ATTACHMENT MacBinHex 4.0> Same to you, asshole! </MIME ATTACHMENT MacBinHex 4.0>

    With extra effort, your message can come as a mime attachment!

    For too long, assholes lacked a place of power. They annoyed random people in traffic and confronted strangers in inappropriate places. Thanks to the Internet, those low-profile days are no more.

    This spring, Internet For Assholes is celebrating the five-year anniversary of a high-tech incursion of assholes into a non-asshole community of people obsessed with cats. In 1994, assholes coordinated an en masse stealth attack, seeding the newsgroup rec.pets.cats with tasteless questions guaranteed to piss off cat lovers.

    Hey, cat-lovers -- it's 1999. Maybe it's time for a little payback....

    The rec.pets.cats incident highlights the asshole potential of the Internet's built-in anonymity. Just how sure are you about those book reviews you're reading on Amazon, anyway?